The Broken Doll

♥


Sure.

( We Began In Purity )

( Next to nothing )

( I Only Wanted To See You Dancing In The Purple Rain )

( Many more this way )

( Love's Light Blue Led Me To You )

You just cant do that.
With my heart on the wire and my emotions up benath the skin of my teeth.

Im right there with you
Trying to understand.
Help me, please.
I just want to get an idea.
Give me a better view.

I'm sensitive.
You can't just do that to me,

And you said that you wanted me.
And you said that it would be a while before I could be there.
And I said it was fine.
Yes, baby...
I loved you already.
I loved you that much.

And I would wait forever.
Although I don't see a reason why,
just for your touch.

I’m past my breaking point.
Do you like the way I strain to smile in the face of your animosity?
And how I make half hearted attempts to delay my anxiety?
I should not hate you this much.
It’s a game that I can’t win.
In this dark world of fluorescent lights and candy coated sour lemons,
Every move I make is a sin.
How are you so ok with all of this around you?
How are you so unconcerned with all that hate that surrounds you?
I hate you more than I love what my life would be if you weren’t in it.
Don’t you think I’ve tried to walk away?
Don’t you think Vie tried to make it work so I could stay?

Don’t touch me.
I feel like your fingers are soiled.
And every time you look at me,
I think of how you look at other girls.
I know I’m crazy,
But the skin I feel and the lips I kiss are the same as the others had.
And it hurts to think that someone else could have you like I do.

An autumn breeze blows
Blood trickles down my stomach
That’s just where he used to kiss me.
Now it will never be the same.
Perfectly unmarred skin that his lips once skimmed.

“25 minutes to gloriously colored hair”
Snip-snip
Stop biting those nails
(so I can run them down the sides of my new lover)
Painting my lips
You always hated when I did this.
The needles penetrate my skin
Beautiful ink rushes in.

I’ll never be the girl you loved before.

And so you were there all along and you were about to let go of me.
And so you sat and you watched all of my conquests fail and rip themselves free of me.
And so you wanted me from your first glimpse of me...
And so you make my knees weak.

And so I want to run my fingers through your hair,
and I want to hold your face in my hands,
And I want to kiss you like you've never been touched before.
I want to kiss life into you that you have never had before.

I am on this wave with you,
Riding smoothly,
holding on so tight.
I can't afford to lose you.

All those years of suffering that you have faced have gotten you me.
And I will never ever leave.

Here it is..
You will never hear me out.
Another time I am alone, at home, and you aren't here, where I sit alone and write about you and all the things I feel that I have to fear.

Drinking black coffee,
No cream to soften the bitter blow.
Thinking back on the times I wanted to let you go.
I haven't felt a pain like this,
So sharp, so clean, so sure of itself.
You seem to think you know precisely what you want.
And hurting me doesn't stop you for one moment.

A year ago at this time,
I was safe in your arms, Motel 6.
Slumbering sweetly,
Dreaming of forever.

6 months ago this time...
We were on a break,
Still seeing each other constantly--
Because I knew I couldn't live without you.

8 months ago,
We were going through rough times,
Trying to talk it out-
I was trying so hard to show you the light.

10 months ago,
We were working together,
Perhaps making love in the back room,
During the dead times in the night.

One month ago,
I was so in love with you,
I was so wrapped up in you.
I knew everything was going ot be ok.
I was going to keep you safe forever and love you until my soul couldn't love anymore.

And you have discarded me.
So sure, so sharp, so clean...

You’ve crept into me
So inconspicuously at first.
Pinched the over zealous ends of my heart
Pulled it out, still beating...
And taken it from me.
All I have left is my desire...
My desire to never have back my weakest asset,
My heart.
So, here I go.
Hunting you down.
Feeling you out.
Killing you now.

AND

Don’t speak to me, Love
I am too shallow to conceive the depths that you speak of.
Don’t touch me, love
My skin isn’t worthy of the reassurance that is your touch.
Love me not, Love.
My heart will split at the thought of anything intense.
Don’t compliment me, Love,
that makes all of them wrong.
I can’t deal with the thought of you being right.
You can’t leave me once I’ve let you in.
I don’t know if I could live through another total soul reconstruction again.

“The Sweetest Embrace”

I smile into the faces
Of the people I don’t know.
I pretend that their warm embraces are the goods I’m thinking of.
I walk into the cold,
And I see your smiling face.
You’re all I need.
To keep me alive,
To keep me breathing.

And I thank you for sharing your life.
And I hope to God that one day you will see,
Every day I wake up to see your smiling facve
And all the while,
I’m dreaming of yours...
The sweetest embrace.

AND

“Do You Love It?”
Do you love it?
The way I smile into you
Pouring myself into every little thing I do.

Do you love it,
The way I look up at you after a passionate kiss.

Do you love it
The way my tears fall sweetly from my eyes, to my nose, to my cheeks,
To die serenely on my flawless lips?

Do you love it
The way I blush when you compliment me
My reddened cheeks and glossy eyes.

Do you love it when I get angry and bite my lip
And how I clench my little fists?

Do you love it,
that you’ll never find anyone like me...
Ever again, no matter how you try.
You can search all you want,
But you’ll never find someone who you will love
Better than I.

“Learning To Hate”

Maybe I was wrong to think that I could ever make you happy.
But I’ve got to be strong and think about how much I care about you,
If I care so much I should want only happiness for you.

You’re so perfect,
Just too good to be true.
How do I know?
You could like me, too.

All of this confusion, Running through my brain,
I very seriously doubt,
I will ever be the same.

Love never comes easily,
Especially to those who wait.
So, I’ll find my comfort,
In learning to hate.

I know that you don’t love me
I never said that you had to.
I just want you to hold me.
I just want to be close to you.

Wrap your arms around me,
Wipe the tears from my face,
You can close your eyes and pretend that I’m your dream.
Close your heart and seal the seams,
Don’t be afraid if you don’t feel a thing.
I’ll love you on my own.

If dreams came true,
You’d be saying “I love you”
Too bad that’s not what they do.

Run your fingers through my hair,
Turn the light off so you can’t see.

I know that you don’t love me.
That’s just the way that it must be.

I hear all the sounds.
Taste the crisp, sometimes smothering air,
And I wonder,
Is here where I’ve been all my life–
Or was it there?
The monotone voices I hear everyday long ago started to sound the same.
The stench is unbearable,
But the others don’t seem to mind.

I’ve been here all along?
Or is this just a repulsive place I’ve invented in my mind?
If this is me,
Where I’ve been,
And what I see...
Then, why is it that I don’t feel a thing?

Hunger

His words were non-chalant,

Calling my name from the screen...

His tone of voice was relaxed,

Complimenting and chiding me...

His embrace was warm,

Pulling me close enough to smell his expensive cologne...

His fingertips on my shoulders,

Massaging my neck and caressing my skin...

His mouth was needy,

Seeking out mine for something to fill a void...

His tongue was wild and outraged,

Conquering my mouth as if I had done something wrong.

His hands pulled me to the bed,

Over his lap he touched me and explored the depths or where I would let him go.

Exploring, but not caring if I set limits or not,

So I didn’t.

His muscles were strong,

Pulling off my clothes,

Pushing me over on the bed,

Becoming one physically with me while complaining about my tightness.

"It feels so good..."

All I could do was nod.

And I did not feel used.

And I did not feel bad.

I did not feel anything at all.

When he was done,

I was as done as I was when it began...

He hugged me goodbye soon after,

And I didn’t feel remorse.

I was going a favor.

I was filling a hunger.

words,

tone,

embrace,

fingertips,

mouth,

tongue,

hands,

masculinity,

muscles,

desires.

All full and completely satisfied when he left me.

Stephanie Wright

♥